LIVE

With the Expression of Words

2011-11-27T05:29:00.001-08:00

To the expression in which I cant release physically.
I need to eacape with the frustrations...with the unhappines..with the wait to find release...
Awaiting my moment when I cam leave and start a new. I await that day to come true.
Awaiting the day I can lift my leg in dance..Without wanting to kick myself in the back of my pants.Awaiting the day all this anxiety ia released...asking one more time please please please.
Im hidden in this Asian world...NoONE CAN touch me or make mw go home...So I spend each day await await..waiting for something to control my fate...but maybe this is it..the truth be told. My fate alive outright and bold..Live in the moment..and always do ur best...the only,realness is now..even if u traveled from east to west...Live in the moment one day at a time...allow the universe to take its time...with full power push forth and I rest...no longer will I feel...second best...

TO the Knee

2011-11-23T22:07:00.000-08:00

Dearest Knee-

I know that you are ready to age faster than my entire body. But I am asking nicely.
Please stop.
Stop being so bloody difficult and maybe I will rub you more.
Actually no matter what I will rub you and ice you and love you and tell you that everything is going to be alright,
But I do ask that in return you show some love and respect.
You see..as you know..I have a lot of energy.
That energy just needs to be put somewhere..and your the one that gets to take all heat.
Which is why you are the most important to me right now.
And I need you back.
I need you to heal...So I can make you stronger.
I know that you just want to chill.
And I have given you that.
But now it's time we make a deal.
I'll make you stronger..and show you more love.
If you just pull together and ease up on me.
Deal?
I would really appreciate it.

Sincerely, Yours...

Karyn

Wings.

2011-11-21T06:19:00.000-08:00

So I guess in those mere moments...
When you've lost the inspiration.
When the things around you are ugly.
And you dread that trek home.
Your knee is aching...
While your heart is shaking...
And all you can think about is..
HOME.
You gotta look deep.
Into the things you keep.
Locked up for those
Certain days.
Long day without sun.
No strength to run.
And a vision that seems to have lost it's ways.
Just the sound of music.
A flick of a feather.
A Bird ready for flight.
Engage in the small things.
Let let bring joy, give your heart wings.
For a women who is ready to fight.

Long time no see.

2011-10-13T18:52:00.000-07:00

Hello words.
Words which seem to come to few these days.
well not in my head.
but written down.
So hello again.

When I was a wee kido in the process of just begging to wear a training bra in hopes that my breast were going to get so large someday.
Crushing truth that THAT never happened.....
I used to begin my writing: Hello, How are you?
To my self.
My self.
Smart kid I tell you.
Why not...Ask the soul.
How are you.
Talking to the self.
The self is what causes all the emotions...
Your life is a battle....A battle with yourself..

"Finding yourself" "Making yourself happy" "Keeping yourself happy"
No battle with others..It's your SELF that puts those others in your life.
But it's you...that you have the battle with..
So Hello, how are you?
No that happy. NOT as happy as I want to be.
I wish I knew more what you wanted out of life. Cause I sure keep trying to figure it out.
See but if someone else asked me: How are you...my response..just like every single Korean person ("so, so" or "i'm fine")
But I'll tell myself the real answer to: "How are you?"
Now, let's try to fix this.

Monday Monday.

2011-05-16T08:10:00.000-07:00

So I had an interesting experience on a day that nothing interesting happens.

It is a typical Monday for me.

Exhausted because of weekend excitment.

Exhausted because of the ridiculous amount of classes I have to teach on a MONDAY!

Then I let go of my day in the hot yoga studio, taught by a beautiful Korean women that sounds like she should be making relaxing CDs for pill popping Americans that can't seem to chill out when times get hard.

That's why I got a lot of love for her. Even though I don't understand a word she says until she says: FLEXA which interpreted to English means : Flex you damn American, why can't you be as limber as all these Asian women in class..Why are you the only white person taking a YOGA class...FLEXA ya DAMNA FOOTA.

Alright..alright..I push my foot straight..biting my cheek because I have never streched my foot this intensely before..Woo that is going to hurt later.

Anyway, still nothing different from my normal Monday routine.

Not even when class is over, and I enter the locker room full of naked asian women do I get uncomfortable...No my friends..I enjoy nudity probibily more than these Koreans..I'm comfortable with my body and I like the freedom that it feels.

Nope, pretty excited to strip down and hop the shower, until I see an naked Asian lady walking towards me.

Wait, she is looking at me..Talking to me.

She's naked.

I'm naked.

What is going on?

She inches closer, and I realize there is no escape. I gotta see what this lady wants.

Come to find out, she accidently took my locker key and I had hers.

No need to be worried.

Woo ee..Monday just got better!

The dreams of a child.

2011-05-16T07:59:00.000-07:00

We dream our whole lives.
Ever since a child, and our imaginations are blazing, we create these adventurous stories.
We act them out during play or through art.
As we grow older, reality hits the soul deeper..
Putting out some of the fires in our soul.
Making things seem more impossible.
As we watch people around us, grow older, that have lived a life...experienced it all..
And they say, that dreams are dreams...When you get older those dreams become more dreams than reality.
The "real world" has no room for dreams to come true.
There is no way to make a living, fall in love, and still find that your inner adventurous spirit that ignited as a child, can still be igniting, can still be as pure as it was when you were 3.
But what if I can say. What if I can say that at this point in my life, I feel like my dreams are beginning to shape and open up in my reality. That life is beyond what I imagined...Beyond what I dreamed...
The excitement is invigorating.
I fear it is only a world I have created, because I'm so seperated from a world that I know...a Home that I grew up in...Friends that I have shared my life with.
All I know that if this feeling only last in this "world", then I will live it up to it's depths, allowing it to take shape in my heart...Letting my heart pump faster, my pupil dialate wider, and my soul start to reach the tip of my head screaming out to the world: I'M IN LOVE.
WITH LIFE
WITH YOU
WITH ME
Thank you.
If only for this moment.
Thank you.

I can Be anything that I SEE

2011-05-12T06:56:00.000-07:00

Ah. Dearest Life.
Exploring Soul.
Mindful Heart.
Caring Eyes.
Can it be true?
That your life can be exactly what you see.
What you have imagined, created in your head as a dream.
A dream you kept running towards in hope, and that you would not stop until you found it.
Did I actually sit and wait in stagnant emotions...content thoughts....fake smiles and laughs...Imaginary love...Hopeful relationships.
Is this actually happening? Pinch Pinch.
Ouch.
I'm alive.
A LIVE.
Holy Wow.
I'm traveling.
I'm seeing the world.
I can hike a mountain and meditate.
I can feel freedom.
I can feel love.
I can feel with every bit of my soul...my fingertips reach out and still I feel more.
Easy easy...don't get too excited says my "realistic mind"
Watch Out!
Ahh...but I can't help my soul...that wants to strip down completely.
Naked to the world.
Vulnerable to myself.
Running through the forest.
With my wings.
The wind pulling me.
My eyes closed...as I follow the sounds of the natural.
Planting my seed.
Keeping my "realistic goggles" in my pocket just in case.
Taking my shoes off.
And for ONCE...Digging in.
Grounding down.
Letting the seed grow...as the Chakras Align..
Roots
Sweetness
Lustrous Gem
Unstuck
Purification
Knowledge
Thousandfold
Reaching the enlightened part, my own enlightened part
Not anyone elses idea.
My own.
Vision.
That I SEE.
I can BE :)
Dreams really can come true. Even if only felt for a day...Atleast I have this moment.

WHOOOOOSH

2011-04-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

"WHOOSH"

The wind hits my face...
Shiver
Shiver
Shiver
Hits my chest.
Up and down movements happen as I breath in...and Breath out..
Deeper.
Faster...
I am running.
How far.
Where.
Drip
Drop.
Water hits my face.
My eyelids cover my eyes.
Close my eyes.
Open my arms.
All that I know is I am breathing.
Faster.
Deeper.
Jump.
Smash.
Hike up the hill.
Alone.
Night.
Dark.
Laughter of Children.
Run.
Thighs are burning.
Push through.
I want to be ALONE.
I want to feel the nights.
I want the stars to light my way.
Then it hits.
That moment.
I stop to take it in.
My heart is racing to fast...
I fear it will never stop.
Deep breath.
The city lights.
The tree's energy.
The soil's energy underneath my feet.
I fall...to my feet.
Reach my hands deep in the soil..
Close my eyes...and tears stream down myface.
Lucky. I am.
I am here to
SEE what my eyes need to see.
LEARN what my mind needs to learn.
FEEL what my heart needs to feel.
As I begin to realize that my soul is being shaped and transformed into the mold in which it needs to be in order for me to continue living within a dream I created in my head a long time ago.
Hands up.
Kisses to the Wind.
Thanks for my Universe.
For allowing me to breathe.
For letting me Feel.

South Africa

2011-04-21T00:18:00.000-07:00

Dear South Africa-

If you only knew.
My heart for you.
The way I feel
When you are near.
Your comforting Embrace
Your different Race.
The words you say...
That make my day.
My first trust.
Hoping this is beyond lust.
If only I can let go.
Give us a chance to grow.
To know.
To let this ignite.
To start the fight.
To begin in the day
And flee in the night.
The traveling Souls..
That could take us through the Hole.
The hole that we have been escaping.
As our minds keep racing.
Together we find a way out.
Without a tear, without a shout.
Grabbing our hands.
We know life is grand.
Hang on to my soul.
I won't let you go.
We may crash.
We may burn.
But right now it's my turn.
My turn to feel.
My turn to see what is real.
My turn to break down.
My wall.
My frown.
To you is where I will be.
No one follows, No one leads.
Here we go.
Hand in mine.
Hold me now.
Be near me all the time.

Escape

2011-04-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

Oh. I need an escape.
Tears begin to well in my eyes during a Yoga class that I look in desperate need of a Zanax.
No matter where I go. I am eyed...I am different. I stand out.
No matter how far I run..however hard my feet hit the pavement...I still find myself unsatisfied.
No matter how many good teaching days, there is still that bad one...that horrible one that sticks in your spine, making each muscle in your body cringe for support...something to hold onto...some happy moment to go back to so you don't feel completely and imensely hopeless in a country completely unlike your own.
As I walk home with tears streaming down my face, because I heard a song that reminded me of Erika.
I see a hiking path in the mountain...and I decide that my only escape for the night will be hiking this path until I get to pure darkness...Where me and my thoughts can be alone..unjudged...unnoticed.
The beauty of this alone feeling penitrates each end of my skin. I curl into a ball and for once feel satisfied that I have escaped the confusion, escaped the fear, escaped that day that took away my confidence as a teacher.
I dig my hands in the soil that lays beneath me and I pray to the energy of the universe.
Give me back my passion. Give me back my strength. Give me back my excitement.
I breath deep into the natural energy of earth, and sit on top of this dark hill meditating for a bit upon complete and pure silence.

Walking home. I see a pile of wood in the dumpster. Ah-ha...Art Project...A slight smirk enters my face for the first time that day, and I start to feel that fire ignite deep in my gut. Alright sweet girl....We got this.

Breath It In

2011-04-12T23:21:00.000-07:00

Colorful signs.
Words I don't know.
I am surrounded by beautiful Asian people.
The music of the wind as it slowly slips its way through my enlarged kitchen window that dries the clothes in which I have to lay out on various furniture objects because I don't have a dryer, or a oven at that.

Ahh..But who cares..Honeymoon stage is what they say: Excited to be on a journey...Static to be so far away from people that "know" me, familiar faces, my language, my culture, my country....

Uh oh...here comes the itch..itch..itch...I NEVER want to stop...Keep going...keep traveling..how much more can I see...can I feel?

Ahh..but the frustrations of being a middle school teacher, does open up its doors to my high stress level...These little knockers can really get my all angered up...Ha..Teacher 22 classes English with up to 40 students in each class..They say: Sung-Se-Nim..Remember Me..My name is.....then all of a sudden my brain shuts off..(Shut up...shut up..I can not allow any more information in my head...no more names that sound like a bird squaking its last breath as it falls breathlessly from a tree..hak.ne.ho..sung..weeee...waa!!!! It's all I hear...Sounds...Voices...Eyes on me...I know your talking about me...but I have no Idea what your saying...Ahh...But they do know how to say...Karen..You are Beautiful...I love you....

It is all I hear...ALL I HEAR..Walking down the hallway filled with at least 600 Korean Children screaming my name...telling me How Beautiful I am...WOW thats gotta boosts anyones confidence level to "Star" height.

My love of rice....pigs...fermented cabbage....is expanding further than I thought...

I say goodnight to you. America...As My sun fades behind my mountain backyard and your sun rises into a new day...Maybe I'll never be home..Maybe All I'll Keep doing is Keep Traveling...

But for now...I just keep breathing.

Korea: Here I come!

2011-04-04T18:26:00.000-07:00

This feeling. My wrist start to tingle. First on my right hand, then to my left. It is almost as if an extra burst of blood starts to flow in one designated area. It starts to ignite and my whole body starts to feel warm and energetic. It automatically brings a smirk to my face and my fingers begin to move to the pace.

I can remember the first time I felt this way. The first time I fell in love. It was almost as if you become more aware of the impact of the universe, getting the feeling that you are in the exact spot that you are sopposed to be in, hence the reason you feel so powerfully alive.

Now I sit in an airplane going 640 miles an hour thousands of feet in the air about to enter a new country, a new culture, a new life, and my first “real” job as a young adult.

Shit.

Even though the nerves are walking all over every inch of my consiousness, I still find this exciting wrist tingling experience to overcome me. Embarking on a journey and experience in which will shape the very inner part of me, impacting the way that I teach, the way that I live, the way I survive.

Leaving behind comfort, I think I can handle. Comfort comes in smaller and smaller packages for me these days.

It is the people. The people that I never realized how much I truly loved, how much they loved me, how each person that I have connected with gives me an individual energy that works inside my soul and makes me the person that I am today. These people that love me for who I am, no pretending. I take each of their energies with me: the love, the advice, the memories.

Korea Bound

2011-03-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

Now I sit in an airplane going 640 miles an hour thousands of feet in the air about to enter a new country, a new culture, a new life, and my first “real” job as a young adult.

Shit.

Leaving behind comfort, I think I can handle. Comfort comes in smaller and smaller packages for me these days.

Curiousity.

2011-02-17T08:45:00.000-08:00

Maybe I don't trust the Universe.

Here I thought I was living completely free...letting go of any sense of direction and allowing this idea of the energy of the universe to control me.

God I sound like an Acid-tripping, Tree-Hugging, Vegan-Eating, Animal-Saving Hippie... Ew.

Life seems to fall into place with some people...Here is the perfect job that suits you, the perfect people to surround you to make your seratonin levels shoot the roof with happiness...and while we are at it, How about the perfect lover that can make you scream in bed as well as provide enough emotional support that you don't need that second glass of wine past midnight.

And then there is my life. Constantly searching, never happy in one-spot...curious...curious about the adventure that each place brings...so I say, bring it on...I'm ready for the next adventure...But to find myself exactly where I started....waiting.

So then I ask, Ok...maybe I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I have done it all wrong...I should have listened to the pastor when I was twelve years old, still neive to all concepts of life...and carried the Bible with me everywhere I went, telling everyone around me to believe in Jesus or otherwise suffer the shit of Hell.

Or maybe I should have listened to the parents, "Get a steady job so that you can start your retirement plan, establish yourself in society...so your hardwork will pay off with a nice house and nice things."

Or maybe I should have listened to my grandma: "Get married, have kids...that is enough"

Or the homeless man I met in Chicago one night: "Don't start smoking the dubey, or drinking the Alchi...Don't trust a man and don't trust a women....Keep your ass tight and your eyes wide...spare a dollar for a peice of pizza?"

God the advice I have received from everyone of which path to take...which door to open...which door not to open...Yet I find myself opening every door...leaving before I see the opportunity...so that I can try the other door too.

Nashville

2011-01-27T15:54:00.000-08:00

Bearded sexy men with guitars and banjos.

Sipping on their warm PBR.

Slapping their boots on the hard wood floor.

Sitting in a circle. Eyes wide. Creating.

Music.

Sound.

Souls coming alive.

It is all around.

Music.

Fresh. New...Dipped in all different types of flavor.

No one hides it...It is shouted.

The feeling it brings.

Reaching deep.

Exposing yourself.

Vulnerable to the sound.

One Less

2011-01-27T15:08:00.000-08:00

The Walk...
Through Life.
The Connection.
With People...
Feelings.
Words.
Thoughts.
Laughter...
Tears..
The Connection.
The vulnerability.
The lack of reality.
The inability to hold back.
Folding in. Folding out.
Phasing away.
Empty.
Gone.
Friends.
Lovers.
One Less.
Then One More.
It is never the same.
Continually moving.
Can't hold on.
It is the pace of life.
The way things happen.
Grow with it.
It starts all over again.

Don't Force Life

2011-01-27T15:01:00.000-08:00

So easy words: Follow your gut. Let life happen. Don't force anything.

It is hard to find the balance: Are you not doing this because you are scared or because it is not right for you?

I NEVER want to walk away from something because I am scared. The fear is what makes you grow.

Ahh! I've never felt so stagnant. This life...This plan..This huge decision may be put on hold. I can not put any part of my life on hold. I need to keep going. I have too much energy...too much drive...too much ambition...what if I can't fit it all in? What if it does not happen? All these questions that engulf my mind.

So stop forcing it. At least that is what my inner guide told me in meditation class last night. I keep trying to direct something that just needs to flow.

Whatever decisions I make. Whatever direction I take...Wherever I end up...It is about the journey...not the destination.

Life Goal

2011-01-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

Fuck the cold.
Why did I leave Maui?
I could have lived/worked there. The opportunity was open for me.
But because of my inability lately...to sit in one place for awhile...I felt that I needed to move on.
See my family for Christmas...before I leave the country for a year.
Although it all seems pointless now.
Putting on my long underwear, wrapping a scarf around my neck and face so I don't shiver more than I already am.
It is so hard for me to find happiness in one place.
I am addicted to the move.
Addicted to the idea of getting up and going, whenever I want.
I am being extremely selfish right now.
Not making any decisions upon anyone else.
It is all what I want to do..when I want to do it...where I want to be.
And I can openly admit that I don't feel bad about that...at all.
This may be my only opportunity in life to be completely selfish.
See where life takes me.

If Home is Where the Heart Is..Then My Heart is on the road.
Seeing.
Feeling.
Embracing.
Loving.
As Much As I Possibly can.

I want to see it all. I want to do things that scare me, things that make me feel uncomfortable...

Uncomfortability=Fear=Challenge=Growth=Bad Ass Conversations with wine and cheese.

And that is my life goal: Bad Ass Wine and Cheese Conversations.

Maui

2010-11-21T10:53:00.000-08:00

Your energy.
Seduces each craving I have.
I'm drawn to your intensity.
You open up parts of me that I have been hiding for awhile.
I have never felt more alive.

Maui.

Your mystical personality is making my heart beat faster.
Something about the way you move...
The way you fit a world full of curious people in your hands.

The beauty of you, draws people.
They run away from a saddened life...
Hoping to escape reality.
And some are able to escape reality...
as long as you don't spit them out as soon as their energies become selfish.

I hope I have given you the best part of me.
I hope I have opened up myself and let go of my worries.
I hope you have taught me self-acceptance and compassion.

Cause I know.
My love for you will remain a memory...
Almost like a dream I once had in your presence....
with your energy...
Guiding my heart.
To be the best I can in life.
Because that is all I can be.

Extremes

2010-11-03T19:21:00.000-07:00

Balance.
Yesterday I was in Napa..Sitting on a blanket..sipping wine..eating grapes and olives..sleeping in a bed with oversized blankets and swimming in a pool till the skin on my fingers started to look like a newborn child's ass.

Today dirt fills my fingernails from the sweet peas I am planting. I am sweating profusely because I am in a 110 degree greenhouse. I slap the fly that hits my knee..extremes.

I have gone from one extreme to the other.
I am learning how to adapt.
With each surrounding that I am placed in.
You have to do this because there is no guarantee in anything.
This journey has taken me through many extremes.
Through many layers of myself...the more I see. The more I feel. The more antsy I get to feel and see more.

I will not lie. I miss stability. I miss consistent relationships...consistent sleeping patterns..knowing where my life was going each day.

But life is about just being...Just being in the present moment...We can constantly strive for more..never finding satisfaction in the present moment...but we will never be able to completely LIVE if we worry about making the present moment better than exactly what it is...and that is life...the very moment that you are living right now.

Embrace it all.

People come and go.
Money comes and goes.

But the present moment is all that we have. Living in that moment is the hardest part of life...it is my life challenge..my life goal.

San Fran

2010-10-29T00:28:00.000-07:00

Dance music is blasting from the club down the street.

my eyes hurt from no sleep.

Curled up in a bed by the window...The wind blows in my face every morning.

I can see the skyline.

This city has been beautiful. Our energies meet. San Fran...I think I'm in love.

I drink a cup of tea and sit in a room full of travelers from all over the world.

We have one thing in common. To see as much as we can..not matter what.

Jobless. Broke. Tired...but we are still smiling..still going...

You meet people from all over.

Connection.

Work in Australia? Bed in London?

It's beautiful..makes me thank life for being so accessable to meet people.

I don't know what to do. I could do so much..anything..anything..anything..I want to go to Australia..I want to feel the beats of Europe...I want to see it all.

I think I'm buying a flight to Hawaii by the weekend.

Black Widow Spider

2010-10-21T09:38:00.001-07:00

Listening to bob Dylan trying to play the harmonica with the tune…erika is trying to strum the guitar..

Sippin on wine.

Daleah is making cigarettes

Ready for an adventure?

We take a hike around the woods..

It is pitch black.

The chickens coo.

The rain begins to pour.

The wind picks up and the leaves on the branches sway.

Find a water stream.

I talk about how I wish I were teaching. Having my classroom teaching them about flowers.

Daleah talks about bees.

I should write a children’s book about bees. They are really important. REALLY important.

We continue our journey through the woods.

Something about nature that makes me feel safe.

I snuck the harmonica.

Playing a tune while we climb on the rocks…listen to the wind…feel the rain fall on our eyelids..some droplets slip into my mouth making me feel ALIVE.

The point of life…to feel alive…I don’t want this to end.

We end up in the barn..find some scrapbooks from 1930s with old pictures from who the hell knows..newspaper articles of obituaries and weddings.

Beauty of the unknown? U fall into curiosity and it takes you in places you have never imagined.

Only fear? Getting bit by a black widow spider.

Crammed.

2010-10-18T23:07:00.000-07:00

Getting Ansy…ready to hit the road.

We add an extra roadie to our traveling crew. Deleah…Beautiful soul, she is traveling across country without a cell phone…but somehow with her wit and smarts..she makes it work.

Since we added an extra person packing up our car will be a bit of a situation.

Cars are whizzing by and people are honking as we probably look ridiculous with all of our bags and shit sitting on the side of the street in downtown LA while we try to fit all of our stuff in the car, so that the trunk closes and there is still enough room to fit 4 people in my two door eclipse car that barely withheld the three of us all the way up here.

We make it work, and I look back at Emily and Deleah crunched in the back of my car with bags on their laps and on top of their toes.

I will never forget this moment.

We hit the road with hope that the next place we travel to will not be as frustrating as the place we just left.

We arrive..FARM 2…and a burst of relief fills each of our hearts. We have our own RV..and will be working with flowers for the next week or so!

Who can ask for a better situation..we have our own mini apartment settled in the hills of California.

Taking it all in because none of us know how long this beautiful situation will last.

BE

2010-10-13T08:57:00.000-07:00

I wake up early to get away, spend some time alone.
My feet crush against the pavement as I look out upon the water and the morning dew begins to moisten the tip of my nose.
Around me are the mountains and the million dollar houses.
I am in LA. I am shoveling shit.

I wanna teach.

It hits me in waves harder against my heart, deeper against my soul. I imagine the classroom that I would have and what I would do with the kids today.

This economy is a bitch. Holding me back from the dreams in which I hold, the degree in which I worked my ass off to attain.

Although it is the adventure. It is the adventure that I wanted...I wanted this..I wanted to not know where I was going to sleep some nights..I wanted to feel the sensation of pure freedom..even if that meant sleeping on the floor in random houses wearing the same clothes for days. It thrills me.

I'm getting antsy here...I dream of the road...ready to hop on it and breath in the highway pollution. Further and deeper do I want to take myself in this adventure...Hopefully until I get lost in it. I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of searching. I just want to BE...and the rest will follow.

Farm #1. Los Angeles, California

2010-10-05T08:31:00.000-07:00

Curled up in a ball wrapped in my sleeping bag. I got my winter jacket on and a wool scarf wrapped around my face. It's cold in Southern California?

Emily is reading with her headlamp on and Erika is trying to find a comfortable spot because the side of the tent in wet.

The chickens let out a big wail.

All of us crammed up in a tent...

I let out a big burst of laughter.

Fuck. The situation that we have put ourselves in ladies...

Interesting to say the least...I am still happy

We have breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day together on a wooden table discussing the importance of sustainable living...getting to know people from all walks of life. We talk about the earth, we talk about travel, we talk about our "previous lives" in which have brought us to this place right here.

It's the people. It's the conversations. It's the atmosphere of living off the land that bring a wholesomeness to this place and make me happy to be sitting in a tent, freezing my ass off...dirty as fuck...but still with a smile on my face.

LA

2010-10-03T03:51:00.000-07:00

Weaving through the crowd. I got music blasting through every direction...feel the music tip top to the souls of the feet and everyone moves...they bounce...they shiver...they ignite with fire burning deep..until the music starts to slow down..then everyones' bodies slow down..until the beat hits faster...BOOM everyone is ignited again and they are wild...they are free..throwing up their hands in every direction...feeling every part of the music they want. Express. Feel the freedom to Express and not care..just truly not care. The essence of LA..

Drum Stomachs

2010-09-25T09:56:00.000-07:00

Car full of shit (not literally)..smells like Tea Tree Oil.

Erika blasting Florence and the Machines..screaming at the top of our lungs every time we hit a new state: WHHAAAA! Sometimes Erika makes a silly face and I giggle, but then realizing that I am driving through a small dust storm I put my concentration back on the road in order to stay alive. Ha.

Colorado has been beautiful..parts of my want to stick my toes in the dirt and stay awhile..the view..the mountains..the company..the people...

I have had more conversations about life than I have had in a really long time..Everyone that I am surrounded with right now seems to be striving for the same goal: Living in the MOMENT..no worries about future or past, but the now..letting life just happen; which has become my new goal for this: Live in the Moment...Ha Easier said than done.

Erika and Em are curled up on a deflating air mattress while Mariel resides curled up in blankets reading a thick novel. Weather is chilly. My toes are cold. Now they are smacking there stomachs making drum beats with their skin. Silly people. Love it.

Brother

2010-09-13T09:13:00.000-07:00

Brother is amazing.
He is my inspiration.
I've been feeling extremely unstable lately, so I called him.
Never before in my life have I felt like I needed a big brother besides the point in my life right now.

He told me that right before you are about to take an adventure...step outside of a life of consistency, of stability...that things start to happen trying to hold you back. It is almost like the energy of life is working against this adventure than for it.

Keep going. Take the leap....anchor yourself to something so you can atleast stay grounded, but you need to take the adventure in which will pull you deeper in life, deeper in an understanding of yourself, of your strength.

I feel like I'm going through a tremendous change. Everything around me is changing. So many things that I am experiencing is beginning to make life finally making sense, while also being the most confusing thing ever.

I'm going to change so much..I can feel it coming on...I can sense it in the pit of my soul. I'm afraid to leave the old me behind...but there is no turning back now.

Using my brother as inspiration...I'm going to take the leap...Pull myself deep into these experiences...let life take its hold on me and pull me into a journey in which will shape my soul.

.

2010-09-04T20:01:00.000-07:00

Heartfelt hugs.
Lasting words.
Expressive smiles.
Child laughs.
Tipsy toes.
Egg White Walls.
Spinning dresses.
Musical hands.
Voice full expression.
Lover of yesterday.
Tears of fulfillment.
Degree worth lasting.
Friends worth keeping.
Children worth teaching.
Barefoot scars.
Piano by the stars.
Pigeons delight.
Towers reaching height.
Homeless smells.
Church ringing bells.
Bicycle Wind.
Let the DJ Spin.
New Soul Departs.
Old Soul Left Apart.
Goodbye Midwest.
I've had my Best.

Something

2010-09-04T19:52:00.000-07:00

I hope that there is something more.

Something more to love.

Something more to people.

Something more to mornings.

Something more to food.

Something more to sleep.

Something more to everything.

I find myself constantly disatisfied.

My expectations are raised high, and I am beginning to think it is too high.

I just want the PASSION

The complete INTENSITY

This fire burning inside me needs to be expressed in a way that I can feel safe and grounded at the same time.

I have a hard time grounding myself. Finding that place of contentment.

I'm never content.

Always wanting more.

Simplicity

2010-08-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

It seems as though materialism seems to take over one's thoughts, one's image of themselves that all of a sudden one can be caught up inside a world purely created for materialistic purposes. We wake up for the 9 to 5er in order to save for the expensive car or the perfect apartment. All of a sudden the money we earn is not good enough, and the only thing we are living for is striving for more...more money, more materialism, more power; there is never a stopping point, a point of satisfaction; a life not based on competition.

When will it ever end? What if we can take away these materialistic goggles and begin to see the world, simply, naturally, with just our eyes and not the eyes of society. Take away the pressure, take away the competition...and just LIVE the life in which you feel inside your soul...see the world for what it is instead of what it holds.

Date is set. Boxes are packed. Nothing owned or attached under my name. No contract.

I just want to see life. Fully...feel it...naturally...

Here's to the journey

2010-07-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

So I graduate college and this societal pressure is beginning to weigh me down, especially being in the city. Where is your full time job? Are you getting married? Step it up...get with the flow. Problem is..I'm not ready, my soul is not ready, my mind is not ready...I need an adventure, a change.

My whole life I have been tied down. I have gone to school since I can remember, having to be stuck somewhere for an extended amount of time. I am going to give myself the chance of pure freedom. Travel with my life in my car, no expectations, no contract...just life.

Erika, Emily, and I are leaving for California in September to try and perform an extended road trip, lasting 4 months. We will be working on organic farms to lodge and feed ourselves for a few weeks here and there, but the only consistency will be the experience.

For the first time, I want to stop blinding myself with materialism and see life for what it is, for the way it is supposed to be seen.

I don't want to screw up this adult thing, so I better get my impulses out now, while I still can.

The Blog will be dedicated to This Journey, This Experience...Taking a chance to just...LIVE