WHOOOOOSH

"WHOOSH"

The wind hits my face...
Shiver
Shiver
Shiver
Hits my chest.
Up and down movements happen as I breath in...and Breath out..
Deeper.
Faster...
I am running.
How far.
Where.
Drip
Drop.
Water hits my face.
My eyelids cover my eyes.
Close my eyes.
Open my arms.
All that I know is I am breathing.
Faster.
Deeper.
Jump.
Smash.
Hike up the hill.
Alone.
Night.
Dark.
Laughter of Children.
Run.
Thighs are burning.
Push through.
I want to be  ALONE.
I want to feel the nights.
I want the stars to light my way.
Then it hits.
That moment.
I stop to take it in.
My heart is racing to fast...
I fear it will never stop.
Deep breath.
The city lights.
The tree's energy.
The soil's energy underneath my feet.
I fall...to my feet.
Reach my hands deep in the soil..
Close my eyes...and tears stream down myface.
Lucky. I am.
I am here to
SEE what my eyes need to see.
LEARN what my mind needs to learn.
FEEL what my heart needs to feel.
As I begin to realize that my soul is being shaped and transformed into the mold in which it needs to be in order for me to continue living within a dream I created in my head a long time ago.
Hands up.
Kisses to the Wind.
Thanks for my Universe.
For allowing me to breathe.
For letting me Feel.

South Africa

Dear South Africa-

If you only knew.
My heart for you.
The way I feel
When you are near.
Your comforting Embrace
Your different Race.
The words you say...
That make my day.
My first trust.
Hoping this is beyond lust.
If only I can let go.
Give us a chance to grow.
To know.
To let this ignite.
To start the fight.
To begin in the day
And flee in the night.
The traveling Souls..
That could take us through the Hole.
The hole that we have been escaping.
As our minds keep racing.
Together we find a way out.
Without a tear, without a shout.
Grabbing our hands.
We know life is grand.
Hang on to my soul.
I won't let you go.
We may crash.
We may burn.
But right now it's my turn.
My turn to feel.
My turn to see what is real.
My turn to break down.
My wall.
My frown.
To you is where I will be.
No one follows, No one leads.
Here we go.
Hand in mine.
Hold me now.
Be near me all the time.

Escape

Oh. I need an escape.
Tears begin to well in my eyes during a Yoga class that I look in desperate need of a Zanax.
No matter where I go. I am eyed...I am different. I stand out.
No matter how far I run..however hard my feet hit the pavement...I still find myself unsatisfied.
No matter how many good teaching days, there is still that bad one...that horrible one that sticks in your spine, making each muscle in your body cringe for support...something to hold onto...some happy moment to go back to so you don't feel completely and imensely hopeless in a country completely unlike your own.
As I walk home with tears streaming down my face, because I heard a song that reminded me of Erika.
I see a hiking path in the mountain...and I decide that my only escape for the night will be hiking this path until I get to pure darkness...Where me and my thoughts can be alone..unjudged...unnoticed.
The beauty of this alone feeling penitrates each end of my skin. I curl into a ball and for once feel satisfied that I have escaped the confusion, escaped the fear, escaped that day that took away my confidence as a teacher.
I dig my hands in the soil that lays beneath me and I pray to the energy of the universe.
Give me back my passion. Give me back my strength. Give me back my excitement.
I breath deep into the natural energy of earth, and sit on top of this dark hill meditating for a bit upon complete and pure silence.

Walking home. I see a pile of wood in the dumpster. Ah-ha...Art Project...A slight smirk enters my face for the first time that day, and I start to feel that fire ignite deep in my gut. Alright sweet girl....We got this.

Breath It In

Colorful signs.
Words I don't know.
I am surrounded by beautiful Asian people.
The music of the wind as it slowly slips its way through my enlarged kitchen window that dries the clothes in which I have to lay out on various furniture objects because I don't have a dryer, or a oven at that.

Ahh..But who cares..Honeymoon stage is what they say: Excited to be on a journey...Static to be so far away from people that "know" me, familiar faces, my language, my culture, my country....

Uh oh...here comes the itch..itch..itch...I NEVER want to stop...Keep going...keep traveling..how much more can I see...can I feel?

Ahh..but the frustrations of being a middle school teacher, does open up its doors to my high stress level...These little knockers can really get my all angered up...Ha..Teacher 22 classes English with up to 40 students in each class..They say: Sung-Se-Nim..Remember Me..My name is.....then all of a sudden my brain shuts off..(Shut up...shut up..I can not allow any more information in my head...no more names that sound like a bird squaking its last breath as it falls breathlessly from a tree..hak.ne.ho..sung..weeee...waa!!!! It's all I hear...Sounds...Voices...Eyes on me...I know your talking about me...but I have no Idea what your saying...Ahh...But they do know how to say...Karen..You are Beautiful...I love you....

It is all I hear...ALL I HEAR..Walking down the hallway filled with at least 600 Korean Children screaming my name...telling me How Beautiful I am...WOW thats gotta boosts anyones confidence level to "Star" height.

My love of rice....pigs...fermented cabbage....is expanding further than I thought...

I say goodnight to you. America...As My sun fades behind my mountain backyard and your sun rises into a new day...Maybe I'll never be home..Maybe All I'll Keep doing is Keep Traveling...

But for now...I just keep breathing.

Korea: Here I come!

This feeling. My wrist start to tingle. First on my right hand, then to my left. It is almost as if an extra burst of blood starts to flow in one designated area. It starts to ignite and my whole body starts to feel warm and energetic. It automatically brings a smirk to my face and my fingers begin to move to the pace.

I can remember the first time I felt this way. The first time I fell in love. It was almost as if you become more aware of the impact of the universe, getting the feeling that you are in the exact spot that you are sopposed to be in, hence the reason you feel so powerfully alive.

Now I sit in an airplane going 640 miles an hour thousands of feet in the air about to enter a new country, a new culture, a new life, and my first “real” job as a young adult.

Shit.

Even though the nerves are walking all over every inch of my consiousness, I still find this exciting wrist tingling experience to overcome me. Embarking on a journey  and experience in which will shape the very inner part of me, impacting the way that I teach, the way that I live, the way I survive. 

Leaving behind comfort, I think I can handle. Comfort comes in smaller and smaller packages for me these days.

It is the people. The people that I never realized how much I truly loved, how much they loved me, how each person that I have connected with gives me an individual energy that works inside my soul and makes me the person that I am today.  These people that love me for who I am, no pretending. I take each of their energies with me: the love, the advice, the memories.