With the Expression of Words

To the expression in which I cant release physically.
I need to eacape with the frustrations...with the unhappines..with the wait to find release...
Awaiting my moment when I cam leave and start a new. I await that day to come true.
Awaiting the day I can lift my leg in dance..Without wanting to kick myself in the back of my pants.Awaiting the day all this anxiety ia released...asking one more time please please please.
  Im hidden in this Asian world...NoONE CAN touch me or make mw go home...So I spend each day await await..waiting for something to control my fate...but maybe this is it..the truth be told. My fate alive outright and bold..Live in the moment..and always do ur best...the only,realness is now..even if u traveled from east to west...Live in the moment one day at a time...allow the universe to take its time...with full power push forth and I rest...no longer will I feel...second best...

TO the Knee

Dearest Knee-

I know that you are ready to age faster than my entire body. But I am asking nicely.
Please stop.
Stop being so bloody difficult and maybe I will rub you more.
Actually no matter what I will rub you and ice you and love  you and tell you that everything is going to be alright,
But I do ask that in return you show some love and respect.
You see..as you know..I have a lot of energy.
That energy just needs to be put somewhere..and your the one that gets to take all heat.
Which is why you are the most important to me right now.
And I need you back.
I need you to heal...So I can make you stronger.
I know that you just want to chill.
And I have given you that.
But now it's time we make a deal.
I'll make you stronger..and show you more love.
If you just pull together and ease up on me.
Deal?
I would really appreciate it.

Sincerely, Yours...

Karyn

Wings.

So I guess in those mere moments...
When you've lost the inspiration.
When the things around you are ugly.
And you dread that trek home.
Your knee is aching...
While your heart is shaking...
And all you can think about is..
HOME.
You gotta look deep.
Into the things you keep.
Locked up for those
Certain days.
Long day without sun.
No strength to run.
And a vision that seems to have lost it's ways.
Just the sound of music.
A flick of a feather.
A Bird ready for flight.
Engage in the small things.
Let let bring joy, give your heart wings.
For a women who is ready to fight.

Long time no see.

Hello words.
Words which seem to come to few these days.
well not in my head.
but written down.
So hello again.

When I was a wee kido in the process of just begging to wear a training bra in hopes that my breast were going to get so large someday.
Crushing truth that THAT never happened.....
I used to begin my writing: Hello, How are you?
To my self.
My self.
Smart kid I tell you.
Why not...Ask the soul.
How are you.
Talking to the self.
The self is what causes all the emotions...
Your life is a battle....A battle with yourself..

"Finding yourself" "Making yourself happy" "Keeping yourself happy"
No battle with others..It's your SELF that puts those others in your life.
But it's you...that you have the battle with..
So Hello, how are you?
No that happy. NOT as happy as I want to be.
I wish I knew more what you wanted out of life. Cause I sure keep trying to figure it out.
See but if someone else asked me: How are you...my response..just like every single Korean person ("so, so" or "i'm fine")
But I'll tell myself the real answer to: "How are you?"
Now, let's try to fix this.

Monday Monday.

So I had an interesting experience on a day that nothing interesting happens.

It is a typical Monday for me.

Exhausted because of weekend excitment.

Exhausted because of the ridiculous amount of classes I have to teach on a MONDAY!

Then I let go of my day in the hot yoga studio, taught by a beautiful Korean women that sounds like she should be making relaxing CDs for pill popping Americans that can't seem to chill out when times get hard.

That's why I got a lot of love for her. Even though I don't understand a word she says until she says: FLEXA which interpreted to English means : Flex you damn American, why can't you be as limber as all these Asian women in class..Why are you the only white person taking a YOGA class...FLEXA ya DAMNA FOOTA.

Alright..alright..I push my foot straight..biting my cheek because I have never streched my foot this intensely before..Woo that is going to hurt later.

Anyway, still nothing different from my normal Monday routine.

Not even when class is over, and I enter the locker room full of naked asian women do I get uncomfortable...No my friends..I enjoy nudity probibily more than these Koreans..I'm comfortable with my body and I like the freedom that it feels.

Nope, pretty excited to strip down and hop the shower, until I see an naked Asian lady walking towards me.

Wait, she is looking at me..Talking to me.

She's naked.

I'm naked.

What is going on?

She inches closer, and I realize there is no escape. I gotta see what this lady wants.

Come to find out, she accidently took my locker key and I had hers.

No need to be worried.

Woo ee..Monday just got better!

The dreams of a child.

We dream our whole lives.
Ever since a child, and our imaginations are blazing, we create these adventurous stories.
We act them out during play or through art.
As we grow older, reality hits the soul deeper..
Putting out some of the fires in our soul.
Making things seem more impossible.
As we watch people around us, grow older, that have lived a life...experienced it all..
And they say, that dreams are dreams...When you get older those dreams become more dreams than reality.
The "real world" has no room for dreams to come true.
There is no way to make a living, fall in love, and still find that your inner adventurous spirit that ignited as a child, can still be igniting, can still be as pure as it was when you were 3.
But what if I can say. What if I can say that at this point in my life, I feel like my dreams are beginning to shape and open up in my reality. That life is beyond what I imagined...Beyond what I dreamed...
The excitement is invigorating.
I fear it is only a world I have created, because I'm so seperated from a world that I know...a Home that I grew up in...Friends that I have shared my life with.
All I know that if this feeling only last in this "world", then I will live it up to it's depths, allowing it to take shape in my heart...Letting my heart pump faster, my pupil dialate wider, and my soul start to reach the tip of my head screaming out to the world:  I'M IN LOVE.
WITH LIFE
WITH YOU
WITH ME
Thank you.
If only for this moment.
Thank you.

I can Be anything that I SEE

Ah. Dearest Life.
Exploring Soul.
Mindful Heart.
Caring Eyes.
Can it be true?
That your life can be exactly what you see.
What you have imagined, created in your head as a dream.
A dream you kept running towards in hope, and that you would not stop until you found it.
Did I actually sit and wait in stagnant emotions...content thoughts....fake smiles and laughs...Imaginary love...Hopeful relationships.
Is this actually happening? Pinch Pinch.
Ouch.
I'm alive.
A LIVE.
Holy Wow.
I'm traveling.
I'm seeing the world.
I can hike a mountain and meditate.
I can feel freedom.
I can feel love.
I can feel with every bit of my soul...my fingertips reach out and still I feel more.
Easy easy...don't get too excited says my "realistic mind"
Watch Out!
Ahh...but I can't help my soul...that wants to strip down completely.
Naked to the world.
Vulnerable to myself.
Running through the forest.
With my wings.
The wind pulling me.
My eyes closed...as I follow the sounds of the natural.
Planting my seed.
Keeping my "realistic goggles" in my pocket just in case.
Taking my shoes off.
And for ONCE...Digging in.
Grounding down.
Letting the seed grow...as the Chakras Align..
Roots
Sweetness
Lustrous Gem
Unstuck
Purification
Knowledge
Thousandfold
Reaching the enlightened part, my own enlightened part
Not anyone elses idea.
My own.
Vision.
That I SEE.
I can BE :)
Dreams really can come true. Even if only felt for a day...Atleast I have this moment.

WHOOOOOSH

"WHOOSH"

The wind hits my face...
Shiver
Shiver
Shiver
Hits my chest.
Up and down movements happen as I breath in...and Breath out..
Deeper.
Faster...
I am running.
How far.
Where.
Drip
Drop.
Water hits my face.
My eyelids cover my eyes.
Close my eyes.
Open my arms.
All that I know is I am breathing.
Faster.
Deeper.
Jump.
Smash.
Hike up the hill.
Alone.
Night.
Dark.
Laughter of Children.
Run.
Thighs are burning.
Push through.
I want to be  ALONE.
I want to feel the nights.
I want the stars to light my way.
Then it hits.
That moment.
I stop to take it in.
My heart is racing to fast...
I fear it will never stop.
Deep breath.
The city lights.
The tree's energy.
The soil's energy underneath my feet.
I fall...to my feet.
Reach my hands deep in the soil..
Close my eyes...and tears stream down myface.
Lucky. I am.
I am here to
SEE what my eyes need to see.
LEARN what my mind needs to learn.
FEEL what my heart needs to feel.
As I begin to realize that my soul is being shaped and transformed into the mold in which it needs to be in order for me to continue living within a dream I created in my head a long time ago.
Hands up.
Kisses to the Wind.
Thanks for my Universe.
For allowing me to breathe.
For letting me Feel.

South Africa

Dear South Africa-

If you only knew.
My heart for you.
The way I feel
When you are near.
Your comforting Embrace
Your different Race.
The words you say...
That make my day.
My first trust.
Hoping this is beyond lust.
If only I can let go.
Give us a chance to grow.
To know.
To let this ignite.
To start the fight.
To begin in the day
And flee in the night.
The traveling Souls..
That could take us through the Hole.
The hole that we have been escaping.
As our minds keep racing.
Together we find a way out.
Without a tear, without a shout.
Grabbing our hands.
We know life is grand.
Hang on to my soul.
I won't let you go.
We may crash.
We may burn.
But right now it's my turn.
My turn to feel.
My turn to see what is real.
My turn to break down.
My wall.
My frown.
To you is where I will be.
No one follows, No one leads.
Here we go.
Hand in mine.
Hold me now.
Be near me all the time.

Escape

Oh. I need an escape.
Tears begin to well in my eyes during a Yoga class that I look in desperate need of a Zanax.
No matter where I go. I am eyed...I am different. I stand out.
No matter how far I run..however hard my feet hit the pavement...I still find myself unsatisfied.
No matter how many good teaching days, there is still that bad one...that horrible one that sticks in your spine, making each muscle in your body cringe for support...something to hold onto...some happy moment to go back to so you don't feel completely and imensely hopeless in a country completely unlike your own.
As I walk home with tears streaming down my face, because I heard a song that reminded me of Erika.
I see a hiking path in the mountain...and I decide that my only escape for the night will be hiking this path until I get to pure darkness...Where me and my thoughts can be alone..unjudged...unnoticed.
The beauty of this alone feeling penitrates each end of my skin. I curl into a ball and for once feel satisfied that I have escaped the confusion, escaped the fear, escaped that day that took away my confidence as a teacher.
I dig my hands in the soil that lays beneath me and I pray to the energy of the universe.
Give me back my passion. Give me back my strength. Give me back my excitement.
I breath deep into the natural energy of earth, and sit on top of this dark hill meditating for a bit upon complete and pure silence.

Walking home. I see a pile of wood in the dumpster. Ah-ha...Art Project...A slight smirk enters my face for the first time that day, and I start to feel that fire ignite deep in my gut. Alright sweet girl....We got this.

Breath It In

Colorful signs.
Words I don't know.
I am surrounded by beautiful Asian people.
The music of the wind as it slowly slips its way through my enlarged kitchen window that dries the clothes in which I have to lay out on various furniture objects because I don't have a dryer, or a oven at that.

Ahh..But who cares..Honeymoon stage is what they say: Excited to be on a journey...Static to be so far away from people that "know" me, familiar faces, my language, my culture, my country....

Uh oh...here comes the itch..itch..itch...I NEVER want to stop...Keep going...keep traveling..how much more can I see...can I feel?

Ahh..but the frustrations of being a middle school teacher, does open up its doors to my high stress level...These little knockers can really get my all angered up...Ha..Teacher 22 classes English with up to 40 students in each class..They say: Sung-Se-Nim..Remember Me..My name is.....then all of a sudden my brain shuts off..(Shut up...shut up..I can not allow any more information in my head...no more names that sound like a bird squaking its last breath as it falls breathlessly from a tree..hak.ne.ho..sung..weeee...waa!!!! It's all I hear...Sounds...Voices...Eyes on me...I know your talking about me...but I have no Idea what your saying...Ahh...But they do know how to say...Karen..You are Beautiful...I love you....

It is all I hear...ALL I HEAR..Walking down the hallway filled with at least 600 Korean Children screaming my name...telling me How Beautiful I am...WOW thats gotta boosts anyones confidence level to "Star" height.

My love of rice....pigs...fermented cabbage....is expanding further than I thought...

I say goodnight to you. America...As My sun fades behind my mountain backyard and your sun rises into a new day...Maybe I'll never be home..Maybe All I'll Keep doing is Keep Traveling...

But for now...I just keep breathing.

Korea: Here I come!

This feeling. My wrist start to tingle. First on my right hand, then to my left. It is almost as if an extra burst of blood starts to flow in one designated area. It starts to ignite and my whole body starts to feel warm and energetic. It automatically brings a smirk to my face and my fingers begin to move to the pace.

I can remember the first time I felt this way. The first time I fell in love. It was almost as if you become more aware of the impact of the universe, getting the feeling that you are in the exact spot that you are sopposed to be in, hence the reason you feel so powerfully alive.

Now I sit in an airplane going 640 miles an hour thousands of feet in the air about to enter a new country, a new culture, a new life, and my first “real” job as a young adult.

Shit.

Even though the nerves are walking all over every inch of my consiousness, I still find this exciting wrist tingling experience to overcome me. Embarking on a journey  and experience in which will shape the very inner part of me, impacting the way that I teach, the way that I live, the way I survive. 

Leaving behind comfort, I think I can handle. Comfort comes in smaller and smaller packages for me these days.

It is the people. The people that I never realized how much I truly loved, how much they loved me, how each person that I have connected with gives me an individual energy that works inside my soul and makes me the person that I am today.  These people that love me for who I am, no pretending. I take each of their energies with me: the love, the advice, the memories. 

Korea Bound

This feeling. My wrist start to tingle. First on my right hand, then to my left. It is almost as if an extra burst of blood starts to flow in one designated area. It starts to ignite and my whole body starts to feel warm and energetic. It automatically brings a smirk to my face and my fingers begin to move to the pace.

I can remember the first time I felt this way. The first time I fell in love. It was almost as if you become more aware of the impact of the universe, getting the feeling that you are in the exact spot that you are sopposed to be in, hence the reason you feel so powerfully alive.

Now I sit in an airplane going 640 miles an hour thousands of feet in the air about to enter a new country, a new culture, a new life, and my first “real” job as a young adult.

Shit.

Even though the nerves are walking all over every inch of my consiousness, I still find this exciting wrist tingling experience to overcome me. Embarking on a journey  and experience in which will shape the very inner part of me, impacting the way that I teach, the way that I live, the way I survive. 

Leaving behind comfort, I think I can handle. Comfort comes in smaller and smaller packages for me these days.

It is the people. The people that I never realized how much I truly loved, how much they loved me, how each person that I have connected with gives me an individual energy that works inside my soul and makes me the person that I am today.  These people that love me for who I am, no pretending. I take each of their energies with me: the love, the advice, the memories. 

Curiousity.

Maybe I don't trust the Universe.

Here I thought I was living completely free...letting go of any sense of direction and allowing this idea of the energy of the universe to control me.

God I sound like an Acid-tripping, Tree-Hugging, Vegan-Eating, Animal-Saving Hippie... Ew.

Life seems to fall into place with some people...Here is the perfect job that suits you, the perfect people to surround you to make your seratonin levels shoot the roof with happiness...and while we are at it, How about the perfect lover that can make you scream in bed as well as provide enough emotional support that you don't need that second glass of wine past midnight.

And then there is my life. Constantly searching, never happy in one-spot...curious...curious about the adventure that each place brings...so I say, bring it on...I'm ready for the next adventure...But to find myself exactly where I started....waiting.

So then I ask, Ok...maybe I'm doing it wrong. Maybe I have done it all wrong...I should have listened to the pastor when I was twelve years old, still neive to all concepts of life...and carried the Bible with me everywhere I went, telling everyone around me to believe in Jesus or otherwise suffer the shit of Hell.

Or maybe I should have listened to the parents, "Get a steady job so that you can start your retirement plan, establish yourself in society...so your hardwork will pay off with a nice house and nice things."

Or maybe I should have listened to my grandma: "Get married, have kids...that is enough"

Or the homeless man I met in Chicago one night: "Don't start smoking the dubey, or drinking the Alchi...Don't trust a man and don't trust a women....Keep your ass tight and your eyes wide...spare a dollar for a peice of pizza?"

God the advice I have received from everyone of which path to take...which door to open...which door not to open...Yet I find myself opening every door...leaving before I see the opportunity...so that I can try the other door too.

Nashville

Bearded sexy men with guitars and banjos.

Sipping on their warm PBR.

Slapping their boots on the hard wood floor.

Sitting in a circle. Eyes wide. Creating.

Music.

Sound.

Souls coming alive.

It is all around. 

Music.

Fresh. New...Dipped in all different types of flavor.

No one hides it...It is shouted.

The feeling it brings.

Reaching deep.

Exposing yourself.

Vulnerable to the sound.

One Less

The Walk...
Through Life.
The Connection.
With People...
Feelings.
Words.
Thoughts.
Laughter...
Tears..
The Connection.
The vulnerability.
The lack of reality.
The inability to hold back.
Folding in. Folding out.
Phasing away.
Empty.
Gone.
Friends.
Lovers.
One Less.
Then One More.
It is never the same.
Continually moving.
Can't hold on.
It is the pace of life.
The way things happen.
Grow with it.
It starts all over again.

Don't Force Life

So easy words: Follow your gut. Let life happen. Don't force anything.

It is hard to find the balance: Are you not doing this because you are scared or because it is not right for you?

I NEVER want to walk away from something because I am scared. The fear is what makes you grow.

Ahh! I've never felt so stagnant. This life...This plan..This huge decision may be put on hold. I can not put any part of my life on hold. I need to keep going. I have too much energy...too much drive...too much ambition...what if I can't fit it all in? What if it does not happen?  All these questions that engulf my mind.

So stop forcing it. At least that is what my inner guide told me in meditation class last night.  I keep trying to direct something that just needs to flow.

Whatever decisions I make. Whatever direction I take...Wherever I end up...It is about the journey...not the destination.

Life Goal

Fuck the cold.
Why did I leave Maui?
I could have lived/worked there. The opportunity was open for me.
But because of my inability lately...to sit in one place for awhile...I felt that I needed to move on.
See my family for Christmas...before I leave the country for a year.
Although it all seems pointless now.
Putting on my long underwear, wrapping a scarf around my neck and face so I don't shiver more than I already am.
It is so hard for me to find happiness in one place.
I am addicted to the move.
Addicted to the idea of getting up and going, whenever I want.
I am being extremely selfish right now.
Not making any decisions upon anyone else.
It is all what I want to do..when I want to do it...where I want to be.
And I can openly admit that I don't feel bad about that...at all.
This may be my only opportunity in life to be completely selfish.
See where life takes me.

If Home is Where the Heart Is..Then My Heart is on the road.
Seeing.
Feeling.
Embracing.
Loving.
As Much As I Possibly can.

I want to see it all. I want to do things that scare me, things that make me feel uncomfortable...

Uncomfortability=Fear=Challenge=Growth=Bad Ass Conversations with wine and cheese.

And that is my life goal: Bad Ass Wine and Cheese Conversations.