Maui

Your energy.
Seduces each craving I have.
I'm drawn to your intensity.
You open up parts of me that I have been hiding for awhile.
I have never felt more alive.

Maui.

Your mystical personality is making my heart beat faster.
Something about the way you move...
The way you fit a world full of curious people in your hands.

The beauty of you, draws people.
They run away from a saddened life...
Hoping to escape reality.
And some are able to escape reality...
as long as you don't spit them out as soon as their energies become selfish.

I hope I have given you the best part of me.
 I hope I have opened up myself and let go of my worries.
I hope you have taught me self-acceptance and compassion.


Cause I know.
My love for you will remain a memory...
Almost like a dream I once had in your presence....
with your energy...
Guiding my heart.
To be the best I can in life.
Because that is all I can be.

Extremes

Balance.
Yesterday I was in Napa..Sitting on a blanket..sipping wine..eating grapes and olives..sleeping in a bed with oversized blankets and swimming in a pool till the skin on my fingers started to look like a newborn child's ass.

Today dirt fills my fingernails from the sweet peas I am planting. I am sweating profusely because I am in a 110 degree greenhouse. I slap the fly that hits my knee..extremes.

I have gone from one extreme to the other.
I am learning how to adapt.
With each surrounding that I am placed in.
You have to do this because there is no guarantee in anything.
This journey has taken me through many extremes.
Through many layers of myself...the more I see. The more I feel. The more antsy I get to feel and see more.

I will not lie. I miss stability. I miss consistent relationships...consistent sleeping patterns..knowing where my life was going each day.

But life is about just being...Just being in the present moment...We can constantly strive for more..never finding satisfaction in the present moment...but we will never be able to completely LIVE if we worry about making the present moment better than exactly what it is...and that is life...the very moment that you are living right now.

Embrace it all.

People come and go.
Money comes and goes.

But the present moment is all that we have. Living in that moment is the hardest part of life...it is my life challenge..my life goal.

San Fran

Dance music is blasting from the club down the street.

my eyes hurt from no sleep.

Curled up in a bed by the window...The wind blows in my face every morning.

I can see the skyline.

This city has been beautiful. Our energies meet. San Fran...I think I'm in love.

I drink a cup of tea and sit in a room full of travelers from all over the world.

We have one thing in common. To see as much as we can..not matter what.

Jobless. Broke. Tired...but we are still smiling..still going...

You meet people from all over.

Connection.

Work in Australia? Bed in London?

It's beautiful..makes me thank life for being so accessable to meet people.

I don't know what to do. I could do so much..anything..anything..anything..I want to go to Australia..I want to feel the beats of Europe...I want to see it all.

I think I'm buying a flight to Hawaii by the weekend.

Black Widow Spider

Listening to bob Dylan trying to play the harmonica with the tune…erika is trying to strum the guitar..

Sippin on wine.

Daleah is making cigarettes

Ready for an adventure?

We take a hike around the woods..

 It is pitch black.

The chickens coo.

The rain begins to pour.

The wind picks up and the leaves on the branches sway.

Find a water stream.

I talk about how I wish I were teaching. Having my classroom teaching them about flowers.

Daleah talks about bees.

I should write a children’s book about bees. They are really important. REALLY important.

We continue our journey through the woods.

Something about nature that makes me feel safe.

I snuck the harmonica.

Playing a tune while we climb on the rocks…listen to the wind…feel the rain fall on our eyelids..some droplets slip into my mouth making me feel  ALIVE.

The point of life…to feel alive…I don’t want this to end.

We end up in the barn..find some scrapbooks from 1930s with old pictures from who the hell knows..newspaper articles of obituaries and weddings.

Beauty of the unknown? U fall into curiosity and it takes you in places you have never imagined.

Only fear? Getting bit by a black widow spider. 

Crammed.

Getting Ansy…ready to hit the road.

We add an extra roadie to our traveling crew. Deleah…Beautiful soul, she is traveling across country without a cell phone…but somehow with her wit and smarts..she makes it work.

Since we added an extra person packing up our car will be a bit of a situation. 

Cars are whizzing by and people are honking as we probably look ridiculous with all of our bags and shit sitting on the side of the street in downtown LA while we try to fit all of our stuff in the car, so that the trunk closes and there is still enough room to fit 4 people in my two door eclipse car that barely withheld the three of us all the way up here.

We make it work, and I look back at Emily and Deleah crunched in the back of my car with bags on their laps and on top of their toes.

I will never forget this moment.

We hit the road with hope that the next place we travel to will not be as frustrating as the place we just left.

We arrive..FARM 2…and a burst of relief fills each of our hearts.  We have our own RV..and will be working with flowers for the next week or so!

Who can ask for a better situation..we have our own mini apartment settled in the hills of California.

Taking it all in because none of us know how long this beautiful situation will last.

BE

I wake up early to get away, spend some time alone.
My feet crush against the pavement as I look out upon the water and the morning dew begins to moisten the tip of my nose.
Around me are the mountains and the million dollar houses.
I am in LA. I am shoveling shit.

I wanna teach.

It hits me in waves harder against my heart, deeper against my soul. I imagine the classroom that I would have and what I would do with the kids today.

This economy is a bitch. Holding me back from the dreams in which I hold, the degree in which I worked my ass off to attain.

Although it is the adventure. It is the adventure that I wanted...I wanted this..I wanted to not know where I was going to sleep some nights..I wanted to feel the sensation of pure freedom..even if that meant sleeping on the floor in random houses wearing the same clothes for days. It thrills me.

I'm getting antsy here...I dream of the road...ready to hop on it and breath in the highway pollution. Further and deeper do I want to take myself in this adventure...Hopefully until I get lost in it. I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of searching. I just want to BE...and the rest will follow.

Farm #1. Los Angeles, California

Curled up in a ball wrapped in my sleeping bag. I got my winter jacket on and a wool scarf wrapped around my face. It's cold in Southern California?

Emily is reading with her headlamp on and Erika is trying to find a comfortable spot because the side of the tent in wet.

The chickens let out a big wail.

All of us crammed up in a tent...

I let out a big burst of laughter.

Fuck. The situation that we have put ourselves in ladies...

Interesting to say the least...I am still happy

We have breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day together on a wooden table discussing the importance of sustainable living...getting to know people from all walks of life. We talk about the earth, we talk about travel, we talk about our "previous lives" in which have brought us to this place right here.

It's the people. It's the conversations. It's the atmosphere of living off the land that bring a wholesomeness to this place and make me happy to be sitting in a tent, freezing my ass off...dirty as fuck...but still with a smile on my face.

LA

Weaving through the crowd. I got music blasting through every direction...feel the music tip top to the souls of the feet and everyone moves...they bounce...they shiver...they ignite with fire burning deep..until the music starts to slow down..then everyones' bodies slow down..until the beat hits faster...BOOM everyone is ignited again and they are wild...they are free..throwing up their hands in every direction...feeling every part of the music they want. Express. Feel the freedom to Express and not care..just truly not care. The essence of LA..

Drum Stomachs

Car full of shit (not literally)..smells like Tea Tree Oil.

Erika blasting Florence and the Machines..screaming at the top of our lungs every time we hit a new state: WHHAAAA! Sometimes Erika makes a silly face and I giggle, but then realizing that I am driving through  a small dust storm I put my concentration back on the road in order to stay alive. Ha.

Colorado has been beautiful..parts of my want to stick my toes in the dirt and stay awhile..the view..the mountains..the company..the people...

I have had more conversations about life than I have had in a really long time..Everyone that I am surrounded with right now seems to be striving for the same goal: Living in the MOMENT..no worries about future or past, but the now..letting life just happen; which has become my new goal for this: Live in the Moment...Ha Easier said than done.

Erika and Em are curled up on a deflating air mattress while Mariel resides curled up in blankets reading a thick novel. Weather is chilly. My toes are cold. Now they are smacking there stomachs making drum beats with their skin. Silly people. Love it.

Brother

Brother is amazing.
He is my inspiration.
I've been feeling extremely unstable lately, so I called him.
Never before in my life have I felt like I needed a big brother besides the point in my life right now.

He told me that right before you are about to take an adventure...step outside of a life of consistency, of stability...that things start to happen trying to hold you back. It is almost like the energy of life is working against this adventure than for it.

Keep going. Take the leap....anchor yourself to something so you can atleast stay grounded, but you need to take the adventure in which will pull you deeper in life, deeper in an understanding of yourself, of your strength.

I feel like I'm going through a tremendous change. Everything around me is changing. So many things that I am experiencing is beginning to make life finally making sense, while also being the most confusing thing ever.

I'm going to change so much..I can feel it coming on...I can sense it in the pit of my soul.  I'm afraid to leave the old me behind...but there is no turning back now.

Using my brother as inspiration...I'm going to take the leap...Pull myself deep into these experiences...let life take its hold on me and pull me into a journey in which will shape my soul.

.

Heartfelt hugs.
Lasting words.
Expressive smiles.
Child laughs.
Tipsy toes.
Egg White Walls.
Spinning dresses.
Musical hands.
Voice full expression.
Lover of yesterday.
Tears of fulfillment.
Degree worth lasting.
Friends worth keeping.
Children worth teaching.
Barefoot scars.
Piano by the stars.
Pigeons delight.
Towers reaching height.
Homeless smells.
Church ringing bells.
Bicycle Wind.
Let the DJ Spin.
New Soul Departs.
Old Soul Left Apart.
Goodbye Midwest.
I've had my Best.

Something

I hope that there is something more. 

Something more to love.

 Something more to people. 

Something more to mornings. 

Something more to food.

Something more to sleep.

Something more to everything.

I find myself constantly disatisfied.

My expectations are raised high, and I am beginning to think it is too high. 

I just want the PASSION

The complete INTENSITY

This fire burning inside me needs to be expressed in a way that I can feel safe and grounded at the same time.

I have a hard time grounding myself. Finding that place of contentment.

I'm never content.

Always wanting more.

Simplicity

It seems as though materialism seems to take over one's thoughts, one's image of themselves that all of a sudden one can be caught up inside a world purely created for materialistic purposes. We wake up for the 9 to 5er in order to save for the expensive car or the perfect apartment.  All of a sudden the money we earn is not good enough, and the only thing we are living for is striving for more...more money, more materialism, more power; there is never a stopping point, a point of satisfaction; a life not based on competition.

When will it ever end? What if we can take away these materialistic goggles and begin to see the world, simply, naturally, with just our eyes and not the eyes of society. Take away the pressure, take away the competition...and just LIVE the life in which you feel inside your soul...see the world for what it is instead of what it holds.

Date is set. Boxes are packed. Nothing owned or attached under my name. No contract.

I just want to see life. Fully...feel it...naturally...

Here's to the journey

So I graduate college and this societal pressure is beginning to weigh me down, especially being in the city. Where is your full time job? Are you getting married? Step it up...get with the flow. Problem is..I'm not ready, my soul is not ready, my mind is not ready...I need an adventure, a change.

My whole life I have been tied down. I have gone to school since I can remember, having to be stuck somewhere for an extended amount of time. I am going to give myself the chance of pure freedom. Travel with my life in my car, no expectations, no contract...just life.

Erika, Emily, and I are leaving for California in September to try and perform an extended road trip, lasting 4 months.  We will be working on organic farms to lodge and feed ourselves for a few weeks here and there, but the only consistency will be the experience.

For the first time, I want to stop blinding myself with materialism and see life for what it is, for the way it is supposed to be seen.

I don't want to screw up this adult thing, so I better get my impulses out now, while I still can.

The Blog will be dedicated to This Journey, This Experience...Taking a chance to just...LIVE